In school I’m taking numerous classes about marriage,
family, relationships, and communication. This causes me to reflect quite often
on my childhood, thinking about my relationship with my family members and
their relationships with each other. The more I think about families, the more
I love the concept. What better way to get through this life than to have a
group of people with you to support and love you? I understand that not all
families are created equal; some could use a lot more work than others, but you
can kinda see what I’m saying. The relationship we have with our family members
are some of the most important relationships we have in this life. How we
handle and treat those relationships is critical for maximum happiness.
This brings me to the focus of my post: Communication.
It’s old news that
communication is key for a successful relationship. The only way to get to know
each other, work out problems, and maneuver through the trials of life is to
communicate and be open with each other. Unfortunately, there is such thing as
bad communication. Communication that demeans, manipulates, or belittles others
would fall into that category. Effective communication yields results that are
the complete opposite. If you are effective at communicating, the conversation
should leave both people feeling understood and validated. Your trust in each
other will have been deepened and any conflicts will have been resolved.
In every relationship there is bound to be conflict. It’s
inevitable. Someone is going to put the toilet paper roll on wrong, someone
will eat all the fruit loops but leave the empty box in the pantry, or you’re going
to have a bad day and take it out on the other person and it will create
strain. That’s why it’s important to learn good communication habits, so when
conflicts arise you can work through them quickly and without much emotional
strife for either person.
In families, with so many different personalities and
experiences, communication and conflict resolution can be tricky. What it all
comes down to is how the family views the conflict, and what they’re willing to
do to resolve it. Every family has spoken and unspoken rules that govern the
way the family acts. Little unspoken rules like where each member sits at the
dinner table and spoken rules such as curfew or chores. Rules that carry a
little more weight such as religious rules can be the cause of more conflict,
as it effects the whole family, not just one or two people.
I have been raised as a Latter-Day Saint my entire life.
There are certain standards we were taught to live by and if we acted in a way
that was contrary to those standards, the whole balance of the family seemed to
be affected. For example, when I turned 18 I pierced my ears – which is a very
controversial topic in the church – and when my family found out, it became a
topic of conflict. It became everyone’s goal to make sure that I wasn’t
struggling in my conviction. What they were demonstrating is negative feedback,
which is when family members work together to correct the behavior of another
family member who has, in their eyes, strayed. I remember my father coming to
me and discussing the whole situation with me in a very loving way. Up until
that conversation, there had been a lot of tension between me and the rest of my
family, who obviously had very strong views against the whole piercing thing.
After talking with my dad, who pointed out that he loves me and that he is
still proud of all of the good decisions I’ve made, I was able to get to a
point where I could explain myself in a way they understood.
Negative feedback is one of two types of feedback, or
behavior, that fall into the category of “feedback loops” which is methods by
which families regain peace and unity in their homes. The other form of feedback
is positive feedback, which is encouragement of behavior, and validation for
staying within the rules and boundaries of the home.
I’ve experienced both kinds of feedback from my family, and
both have helped me to make good choices and stay close to the standards I know
and love. My ears are still pierced, because I helped them see my point of view
and they accepted my opinions, but the principles of communication and love are
what are key to resolving, even seemingly overdramatic conflicts.
